Well I missed my regular Friday post, and it’s just as well because I really had nothing to write about.
It’s New Years Eve and social media is filled with posts both reflecting on 2016 and looking forward to everything a new year has to offer. Right now, I’m just not feeling it. For a number of reasons my personal life is in upheaval right now, and my entire world seems uncertain.
I didn’t realize just how much it was affecting me however until I had a conversation with my sister today. I haven’t ridden with C in months (since August?) but she was able to carve out time in her busy schedule to ride with me with morning. We took Pokey and Justice to NE Park and I showed her the bridle trails, as she’d never been.
At some point during the day we started talking about our vehicles and I brought up my old F150 (which is still sitting out back at SStables). It hasn’t run in months but I have been hanging onto it in hopes of fixing it up next year with a portion of our tax refund. I explained that Joe doesn’t understand why I care about it at all. After all we have the diesel now and it is everything we ever wanted and more! From an outsiders perspective it is a piece of crap and not worth the time or effort. However, I suddenly realized that it was something much deeper than a simple sentimental attachment.
I came into my current relationship with very little. When my ex and I separated, I lost nearly everything. I had to rehome my horses, a puppy I’d had at the time, and I was left with no furniture aside from a washing machine, an old drier my dad had given me, my daughter’s ancient bed (it literally fell apart when we tried to disassemble it later on), a couple antique dressers, a huge old box tv screen that legit weighed nearly 100lbs, and a couch I’d picked up from the side of the road (which also served as my bed).
But I did have my truck, and I managed to keep my dog, my daughter’s cat, and Pokey. Then I met Joe. As the months turned into years and ours lives merged, my dog became his (she actually prefers him now) and my truck eventually broke down. We rented a house together, acquired 3 more horses, another dog, a kitten, a horse trailer, truck, and now a baby.
And although in every perceivable way all these things are wonderful, a small part of me feels sorrowful. And I realized today that the reason I have been hanging onto that truck so hard, is because it is literally one of the last two things on this earth that is really and truly MINE. Everything else is joint property. Even my kids aren’t truly mine because they (obviously) must be shared with their fathers throughout their lives.
I became a mother so early in life that I really struggled with a sense of self-identity and life direction. Both of these are still issues for me. I have had very little in my adult life (or even as a child) that was solely mine – and not borrowed or shared. But this truck – it was always mine.
And so was Pokey.
In the end, I can live without the truck. I don’t know what I’d do without Pokey. I love my other horses with everything I have, but at the end of the day – this crusty old ill mannered fart is MY man. And not just because I’m the only one who really can/wants to ride him. Through thick and thin he has been by my side. He is the one thing that nobody can take away from me. Time is our only enemy.
So my resolution for 2017? Make the best of the time that is given to us. And doesn’t just apply to Pokey either. I intend to live life as if it’s borrowed. As though every breath could be my last. I’m going to strive to worry less about the future, and focus on the now. I’m going to pound harder, ride faster and love deeper than I ever have before. I’m going to treasure every moment – but especially every moment I have with this old brat. Because he is my Pokey Little Pony, and no one take that away from me.
Happy New Year Y’all!